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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The David Brooks Guide To Loving David Brooks

by DAVID BROOKS


Rule One of Me Loving Me: When times get tough, it’s really important to believe in yourself. This is vital, because even if the public doesn’t love you, it is vital that you love you. 
And boy, do I ever approve of (love) myself.  Because no matter how little sense I make, it's okay.  Because it's an "opinion".  And as we all know, all opinions are valid.  It doesn't matter if they're correct.  And mine are here to make me feel better about myself.


So I think happy thoughts and avoid bad ones.  For example, I never read what I write--too confusing.  
Or: Think about the marvelous character of George Bush.  You didn't see him crying over a few dead bodies.  Well neither would I.  You won't see my worrying about the dead or wounded, the brain-traumatized for life, the emotional cripples, the suicidal and the suicided.  No, I really plain don't give a shit.  But the thrill of righteous American Fire Power does give me a bit of a boner.
Over the past year, many Democrats have resolutely paid attention to those things that make them feel good, and they have carefully filtered out those negative things that make them feel sad.  (I should write a childrens' books, shouldn't I? I guess a patronizing attitude comes naturally when you're as smug as myself.  You know what didn't come naturally? Admission to Harvard.  But then where would I find the bile to spew endlessly about the evils of Ivy Leaguers if I didn't hate them for keeping me out of their club? I'm happy about it, though, I really am.)
(That's why you won't see me on MSNBC where someone might actually challenge me.  Nope, stick to NPR and PBS and right here, where I can offer my highly-valid opinions without having to have supporting facts.  Why are they valid? Because I'm on PBS and NPR.)
For example, I could mention that right here in the columns of the New York Times, people like Maureen Down and Bob Herbert have regularly criticized the president. But that would be an obvious fact, and I'm really much more about opinions. 
Rule Two:  Always remember that many great geniuses were unappreciated in their lifetimes.  This is what Dubya and I regularly text each other.  It's good to know you've got a friend riding in the same life raft with you.
(Here's a fun party game--knock back a shot every time I try to breathe life into the Elitist/Meritocracy bogeyman.  You'll be fucking dead of alcohol poisoning by the time you finish the introduction to my book. (Don't blame me if you actually die, you've been warned.))
Rule Three: I will paint everything in black-and-white.  Because I'm not writing for the readers of the NY Times--I write for the people who will assure my soft-as-a-feather landing at a right-wing welfare institution for corporate shills like me who will say pretty much anything for money.
You see, loving yourself implies taking care of yourself.  No sacrifices for this Real American. Thanks for playing. 


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