Those Darn Elitists by David Brooks

About a decade ago, one began to notice a profusion of Organization Kids at elite college campuses. These were bright students who had been formed by the meritocratic system placed in front of them. They had great grades, perfect teacher recommendations, broad extracurricular interests, admirable self-confidence and winning personalities. They were, in short, the opposite of me. 


 But now one of these kids (actually she's around 50 so she probably wasn't a student a decade ago) is about to be released on us as Mr. Obama once again tries to unleash the Hounds Of Pragmatism And The Common Good--and may God help us all.

Amazing, the Ivy League causes turns people into unthinking, uncritical automatons. Thank goodness Bush II sprouted out of an irrigated Texas corn patch! It takes real courage to implement new jurisprudence measures, such as the first American Gulag, sanctioning the use of torture and secret prisons....Stalin would be pleased to see that he's catching on over here in the U.S. At least with thinking-out-of-the-box types who didn't attend Elitism University--you know, the *real* Americans

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Did You Know Bad Stuff Happened In Iraq?

by super special awesome guest columnist David Brooks

It's true! Bad stuff happend there! I swear to god, it's really amazing. I mean, here it is, 2010, and all this bad stuff was happening, and oh my goodness, it was quite a mess! So my column today will tell you what went wrong. Why? Because the readers of the New York Times hibernate for years at a time, so they tend to be very uninformed.  Which is why I need to tell them this very important and philosophy-based information.

So pull up a chair, or sit on the floor if you wish, as wise old Uncle David Brooks (that's me!) tells you about how liberal elitism almost caused us to lose the war to free Iraq that no one living in Iraq really seemed to want.  It's really quite a fascinating tale, but since my elitist readers are a rather simple folk, let me tell it as though I'm talking to a load of primary school children.  You see the big bad liberal elitists made the Army do a lot of stupid things.  So there was this thing called the "in-sur-gen-cy" (say it again, fast this time, "insurgency").  And it was bad.  And a lot of people got hurt real bad.  But the liberal elitism of the Army would not allow people to fight the insurgency. Finally Soldier Petraeus turned up and fought the insurgency. Mostly by giving them a lot of money not to kill anyone.  It's kind of like if you gave candy to someone for a favor, right? Right.  So just imagine that these bad Iraqis were suddenly given lots and lots of candy, and then they became good Iraqis.  And now everyone was happy.

But why did so many people have to get hurt so bad?  Well, it was liberal elitism--the kind that folks learn in colleges and then get real uppity.  But not the decent real American kind of folks we see at the American Enterprise Institute.  No, the kind of snooty professors who think the government is always right and never want to change anything--folks like Angela Davis or Noam Chomsky.  If it wasn't for them, by gum, lots of people could have been saved.  In business schools, like the Harvard MBA program that Bush attended, it's all about learning to adjust to new situations. That's why Bush could save so many people during the Katrina storm, and that's why it only took him a failed election in 2006--four years after the invasion--to embrace the new counter-insurgency doctrine.

Well kids, Uncle David is going to take a rest now and dream about the job opportunities that will open up for him when George F. Will kicks it.  I swear that fucker is never going to die.

(Pictured Below: Examples of Liberal Elitists Who Brainwash Youth, Love Government, And Hate Change)

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Sandra Bullock's Wrong, Wrong, Oh So Wrong Choice

By Super Special Guest Columnist David Brooks

Hey folks, your pal Brooksie is back and rapping at ya', and ready to lay some hard-core solid truth on your whack asses! First of all, let's talk about some really important stuff--Sandra Bullock.

Poor girl.  She chose the liberal-elitist way, the easy road of career, fame and riches, deluding herself that this was a worthwhile goal--and now turns out she's getting divorced! Wow! How sad that a woman turns away from the boundless joys of hearth and kitchen.  

She could have met the right man, a good Christian fellow, nice conservative guy who always wears a suit to work and philosphizes for money in some ill-gotten liberal-media-Semitic-godless newspaper like the NY Times (hmmm, get my point, Sandy dear?).  But instead she wanted glamour and the limelight, seduced by the cheering crowds....

Oh, Sandy, dear, I, er, ahem, someone very much like me,  could have shown you such a better way, where you would be baking muffins and icing cakes and living a simple, humble yet-so-fulfilling life while I live the humble, simple life of a prominent newspaper columnist with no ambition of any kind but to whom the duty has fallen to spread the message of conservatism to the fallen (i.e., the people who read the NY Times), appearing on television and the radio nationwide to tell Americans everywhere what's wrong with the Leftist-Liberal-Jewish (er, non-Christian)-Elite that tell humble, powerless folks like me, you and Exxon how to live our lives.  

So now you know what I know, Sandy--writing books and columns and showing up on NPR or CNN to spout off like an idiot and tell all Americans what they don't know about themselves but need to learn from me (real Americans, that is; not the fakie Americans in Los Angeles or New York)--that's no life for anyone.  Oh, if only this woeful duty had not befallen me, I could once again be free to do as I wished, breathe the free air as I once did when I was a simple prospector for gold or cowboy or fur trapper or whatever the fuck it was I used to do.  So call me, Sandy--my email is always open.  

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SUNDAY QUIZ: MadMen Excerpt, or backstage with Bill O'Reilly? (inconsistent Capital Headers or jUst LaZY editing?)

"Hello, Miss Smith, first take some dictation, then you can drop your skirt as I'm going to sodomize you while I suck on an a Camels unfiltered and lecture pedantically about the virtus of unfettered greed when combined with the great taste of menthol. And don't even try to call the cops, they all know you're a giant whore anyway.Oh, and by the way you're fired.  But if you write a letter of reference for me I'll sign it.  Can you drop off my dry cleaning your way home?"  (Answer next week.)

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The Cultural Superiority Of Kenya Over Norway.

by David Brooks

Wow, I was reading something in a newspaper somewhere that sounded semi-factual so I decided to write a column about it.  Have you noticed that in spite of their skiing ability, Norwegians are terrible elephant poachers? I decided to investigate this by reading the Republican Party talking points and skimming the Reinhold Niebuhr Wikipedia page.  Those sources would certainly tell me everything I need to know in order to write something about elephant poachers that would agree with my pre-existing biases.

For example, Norwegians are a load of mindless socialists who have lost their independent pioneering Viking heritage of exploration, rape, pillage, and slaughtering little children on the ends of their spears for sport.  So the Real Vikings must have moved to America (or more precisely, Wisconsin and Minnesota) ages ago.  The Norway of today, unfortunately, has fallen prey to the bright shiny trout lure of collectivism, and while this might garner some Olympic gold medals by government support of training and coaching (see Recipe For Olympic Success), surely it can't be worth the cost to a man's soul to live in a country where his child might receive timely medical care without filling out a slew of medical forms and then being told none of your doctors accept Medicaid patients because the reimbursement is so low but we'll cut your foot off if you get diabetes thank you very much.  And that's how we love things in America.

And now contrast the testicle-choking muck, slime and filth of Scandinavian Collectivism (not that I'm opposed to testicle-choking per se) with the proud tradition of pioneering individualistic elephant poaching that continues to this day in Kenya.  These guys are like the freakin' Terminator--they can track an animal for days with barely any food or water, survive on the savanna, blow away an elephant and saw off some ivory faster than you can say Bush has persistence and leadership skill.  Ands some will even leave a suicide note next to the elephant to sow confusion in the any subsequent investigation.  Let's see Norway match that.  Can they? No, all they have is whaling, and that's simply another example of collectivism.  Though it does end in the death of huge animal, so I do tentatively approve.

Nonetheless, let's remember one very important thing, the thing that proves that Individualism is infinitely better than Collectivism: Kenyans are culturally superior to Norwegians because they can kill an elephant.  Have you ever heard of a Norwegian killing an elephant? Me neither.  I think I've proved my point.

And by the way, don't even think about writing to the editors of the New York Times.  I'm a columnist so apparently I can spout any stupid crap that comes into my mind as long as I don't use racial epithets.





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How To Write A David Brooks Column

It's really pretty simple--after all, any bias can easily be wrapped in some veneer of superficial pretense of logic.
So just start off with some kind of crap that sounds slightly plausible, say, "Norwegians are more individualistic and therefore better skiers than the Congolese who just like to cut off each others' limbs."  Then find some worthless anecdote--people love anecdotes--about how, say, a Norwegian got caught in a bear trap, gnawed off his foot and then hopped 50 miles to the nearest hospital.  And then remain completely oblivious to all of the obvious contradictions.  "No snow in Congo," you say? Damn, how do you know? You ever been there? You think Wikipedia is 100% accurate? You ever meet anyone from the Congo? Hell no! (Well I haven't, and that's good enough for me.)  Then toss off a few quotes from some obscure theologian that 99.9% of Americans could care less less about than a rat's farthing for an extra polish of respectability, and cash your paycheck from the New York Times.  And next week: Write the same easily falseafiable crap again. And cash your check. And moreover, since you write for the NY Times, you automatically have creds, so you will be invited on to all of the Liberal Commie Far Left Media--NPR, PBS, etc.--as some sort of expert on something, wherein you can spew the same utter crap and the commentators can't even be bothered to grill you on your opinions, as though you were offering facts rather than half-baked opinions, such as 'Americans love independence too much to want health care.' (Although that's probably most of cable news today.)   Wait--it get's better! And then at the last minute, you can change your argument, from 'wow the american people are too american for this un-american bill dammit,' to 'Golly Jeepers this bill won't control health care costs and that's why the Republicans had to vote against it even though they had an entire year to do something and wouldn't except to give Obama a big middle finger but hey they're just being REAL AMERICANS. Not like the fakey elitists who drink wine and look down on REAL AMERICANS while giving them the HIGH HAT.'








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In Defense Of Pope Benedict

by William Bennett

Okay, let's get this straight. So there was a bit of rape going on and no one could be buggered to do something about it. At least those kids were attending mass and reading the Gospel. Can you imagine how fucked up it would be if they hadn't gone to mass? What a mess they would be! Besides, is rape mentioned in the Ten Commandments or the Seven Sins? I don't think so, but who really knows, as I'm a giant blowhard who never thinks twice before shooting off his mouth--and since I have the support of other giant blowhards and assorted morons of various ilks, your opinion doesn't matter. Only the opinions of Real Americans. Maybe if we didn't have to spend so much time bombing abortion clinics or going to Gambler's Anonymous, we would have time to worry about rape. But until that time, let's make it clear that the real problem facing America is a decline in values. In my day a kid would get raped, no one would talk about it, and we could shun and exclude anyone who was different. We had values. [sigh] Those were the days.

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Bush 43 Just Knows History Will Validate Him

"Did you know Abraham Lincoln had critics too? Betcha' didn't know that, didya?"





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Pope Benedict To Send Free Hat, "Get Well Soon" Card To Rape Victims

His Holiness Pope Benedict Something has changed his stance on priests raping parishioners. "This should no longer be tolerated, as I used to do before people paid attention to me. From now on, anyone raped, sodomized, touched, fondled, fiddled, diddled, or just plain creeped out by a Catholic priest is automatically entitled to a "Get Well Soon" card signed by me. In addition, they will also get a fancy red hat personally blessed by Christ's representative on Earth (me!). One size fits all, sorry no returns. P.S. Really sorry you were raped."

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Marketing's One Million Dollar Challenge

Make this guy seem likable or at least remotely human.
Pope Offers Apology, Not Penalty, for Sex Abuse Scandal - NYTimes.com







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Legislator Was Against Cocks Before He Was For It

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/8556852.stm

Stated the currently suspended legislator very officially statemented, "I was totally against cocks. Now I'm for them. But I'm not because I have to represent my constituents. Which I don't because I'm suspended. But let's just remember that I was always against them, I was against them before I was for them, and I'll always be against them even when I'm for them like in the bathroom of that gay bar I may or may have not been inside. And remember, 2 weeks ago was a different time, a very very different time. In that I hadn't been arrested for drinking and driving after hanging out at a gay bar. And there's nothing hypocritical or duplicitous in any of that."
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