OPINION: What is the deal with...technology product reviews?

Random Jackass
Spouting Off About iPhone
Or Some Crap

I'm always surprised when I look at tech reviews and people rave on and on about something on an Apple product, like a fucking thumbwheel, or some stupid fucking 'app' for an iPhone like "weather.com".  Why do they care? What is wrong with them?  What do they all day? Does watching iTunes update their playlists from a computer to an ipPhone give them a boner? Is it the only way they can get sexually aroused? Do they need to have a macbook pro on the bedstand in order for them to be aroused to perform their connubial functions? { background-color:blue; }

Liberal Elitism Causes Mel Gibson Woman Face Bashing In Of

Estimated Size of Mel Gibson's Cortex

That's right, I said it: Mel Gibson is a classic case of Hollywood narcissism.  So in spite of his reactionary Catholicism, the number of souls he saved with Passion of the Christ, or the collective "What the deuce?" I will get from the more polite readers of the NY Times, I can say that this is yet another case of modern Hollywood leading to...well, not exactly tragic...not really all that interesting...okay, how about this? Corrupt modern society--in conjunction with Hollywood--creates smug narcissists, exemplified by Mel Gibson.  And by Mel Gibson I mean everyone in America who disagrees with me.

And I can definitely say these things, because my philosophy is one thing and that's definite.  How else could I pull for an endless war with neither tangible results nor rational reason other than to overthrow a megalomaniac in a cold balance-of-power maneuver and advertise it as 'establishing freedom and democracy in the Middle East'?

In fact my philosophy is so definite, I don't even need to learn anything about science or understand it.  All I need to do is take the results I like, even when the flaws are so obvious a 3rd grade science project runner-up could pick out the flaws.  For example, some 3rd graders might ask, "How widespread were measurements of narcissism in the past?"; or, "How can you possibly compare past eras of widespread poverty and illiteracy to the modern America?"  But who needs questions like these! Someone wrote in a book that there's more narcissism in the present than the past, and we all know that book publishers are above all concerned with reliable data.

Left: Example Of Published Book Chock-Full 
Of Reliable Data



So as I address corrupt modern society--by which I mean the corrupt bastards who read the NY Times, listen to NPR, or watch PBS (all of which I appear on or at regularly) who lead corrupt filthy immoral degenerate lives of greed and self-interest and narcissism--I ask them to remember, please watch me on PBS, listen to me on NPR, read my column at the NY Times (and please buy a copy, you freeloaders), and buy my book, You Corrupt Filthy Degenerate Liberal Bastards Are Ruining America.  America is counting on you.  To listen to me.

And remember--there's no humility like fake humility.  So the next time someone asks you how you're doing, choke down that self-love and say, "I deserve to die."




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Did You Know Bad Stuff Happened In Iraq?

by super special awesome guest columnist David Brooks

It's true! Bad stuff happend there! I swear to god, it's really amazing. I mean, here it is, 2010, and all this bad stuff was happening, and oh my goodness, it was quite a mess! So my column today will tell you what went wrong. Why? Because the readers of the New York Times hibernate for years at a time, so they tend to be very uninformed.  Which is why I need to tell them this very important and philosophy-based information.

So pull up a chair, or sit on the floor if you wish, as wise old Uncle David Brooks (that's me!) tells you about how liberal elitism almost caused us to lose the war to free Iraq that no one living in Iraq really seemed to want.  It's really quite a fascinating tale, but since my elitist readers are a rather simple folk, let me tell it as though I'm talking to a load of primary school children.  You see the big bad liberal elitists made the Army do a lot of stupid things.  So there was this thing called the "in-sur-gen-cy" (say it again, fast this time, "insurgency").  And it was bad.  And a lot of people got hurt real bad.  But the liberal elitism of the Army would not allow people to fight the insurgency. Finally Soldier Petraeus turned up and fought the insurgency. Mostly by giving them a lot of money not to kill anyone.  It's kind of like if you gave candy to someone for a favor, right? Right.  So just imagine that these bad Iraqis were suddenly given lots and lots of candy, and then they became good Iraqis.  And now everyone was happy.

But why did so many people have to get hurt so bad?  Well, it was liberal elitism--the kind that folks learn in colleges and then get real uppity.  But not the decent real American kind of folks we see at the American Enterprise Institute.  No, the kind of snooty professors who think the government is always right and never want to change anything--folks like Angela Davis or Noam Chomsky.  If it wasn't for them, by gum, lots of people could have been saved.  In business schools, like the Harvard MBA program that Bush attended, it's all about learning to adjust to new situations. That's why Bush could save so many people during the Katrina storm, and that's why it only took him a failed election in 2006--four years after the invasion--to embrace the new counter-insurgency doctrine.

Well kids, Uncle David is going to take a rest now and dream about the job opportunities that will open up for him when George F. Will kicks it.  I swear that fucker is never going to die.

(Pictured Below: Examples of Liberal Elitists Who Brainwash Youth, Love Government, And Hate Change)

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Sandra Bullock's Wrong, Wrong, Oh So Wrong Choice

By Super Special Guest Columnist David Brooks

Hey folks, your pal Brooksie is back and rapping at ya', and ready to lay some hard-core solid truth on your whack asses! First of all, let's talk about some really important stuff--Sandra Bullock.

Poor girl.  She chose the liberal-elitist way, the easy road of career, fame and riches, deluding herself that this was a worthwhile goal--and now turns out she's getting divorced! Wow! How sad that a woman turns away from the boundless joys of hearth and kitchen.  

She could have met the right man, a good Christian fellow, nice conservative guy who always wears a suit to work and philosphizes for money in some ill-gotten liberal-media-Semitic-godless newspaper like the NY Times (hmmm, get my point, Sandy dear?).  But instead she wanted glamour and the limelight, seduced by the cheering crowds....

Oh, Sandy, dear, I, er, ahem, someone very much like me,  could have shown you such a better way, where you would be baking muffins and icing cakes and living a simple, humble yet-so-fulfilling life while I live the humble, simple life of a prominent newspaper columnist with no ambition of any kind but to whom the duty has fallen to spread the message of conservatism to the fallen (i.e., the people who read the NY Times), appearing on television and the radio nationwide to tell Americans everywhere what's wrong with the Leftist-Liberal-Jewish (er, non-Christian)-Elite that tell humble, powerless folks like me, you and Exxon how to live our lives.  

So now you know what I know, Sandy--writing books and columns and showing up on NPR or CNN to spout off like an idiot and tell all Americans what they don't know about themselves but need to learn from me (real Americans, that is; not the fakie Americans in Los Angeles or New York)--that's no life for anyone.  Oh, if only this woeful duty had not befallen me, I could once again be free to do as I wished, breathe the free air as I once did when I was a simple prospector for gold or cowboy or fur trapper or whatever the fuck it was I used to do.  So call me, Sandy--my email is always open.  

david-brooks
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I Smellz A Stalinist

"The Federal Communications Commission is proposing an ambitious 10-year plan that will reimagine the nation’s media and technology priorities by establishing high-speed Internet as the country’s dominant communication network."
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/13/business/media/13fcc.html


I smell Facism AND Stalinism. An FCC that does something besides obsess over which words we can be exposed to? Once again the government is interfering in our lives, just like when they built those stupid hydroelectric dams that no one ever bothers to use. (And don't even get me started on nipples. I saw one in the mirror the other day and I was frankly disgusted.

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President Palin....hmmmmm?

Gazing into our crystal ball into the misty distant future, we can only dream and wonder what beautific visions of Palins Future will bring to us.

Although one might suspect that it could be a lot like this....
President Palin awakens in the morning, and her manservant, the newly divorced and unelectable Mr. McCain, is already awake, dressed in a suit and ready to present Her Majesty with freshly squeezed juice, scrambled eggs (Alaska-style, whatever that is) and bacon. He reads her mail to her as she breaks her fast. Soon she is surrounded by policy advisors telling her what to say today, as Mr. McCain stands silently holding a silver serving tray. Eventually he is dismissed, which gives him enough time to change into a chauffeur's uniform. His duties include driving Her Majesty to book signings and speaking engagements, and also lighting her cigarettes promptly when the tobacco stick is in her fingers. How has he fallen so far, he wonders to himself, still finding it hard to believe that 99% of his 401K went to child support.

On the way to the speech to a group of people who will either be dressed in tri-cornered hats or ceremonial Native American headdress, Mr. McCain must stop and pull over in order to change the diapers of her latest disabled child. And before he can start the car, Her Majesty has spawned yet another wee beastie to present to her adoring public, making Queen Victoria look less fertile than the Gobi Desert. Standing silently behind and below Her Majesty, he awaits until the proper moment to uplift the black egg in front of the roaring crowd, and as it hatchets and skaddles off to invade the thorax of a staff intern, the people cheer: Palin! Palin! Palin! Palin! Palin!

Yes, that sounds like a plausible scenario.
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A Few Of My Favorite Mobs

by David Brooks

There's nothing more gratifying than seeing a mob of good white chrisitian townsfolk heading down to the voting booth, pitchforks and torches in hand, ready to burn at the slightest command.


Who cares if they're right or wrong? They're white, christian, angry, and old, and the most important thing to them is their government handouts that they deserve because the government stole it from them in the first place. Yes, these are the people who will band together to solve the problems of pollution, unemployment, and fiscal irresponsibility--listen to their cry! "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!" Yes, these are the people who will help us solve America's problems and put us back on top.

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OPINION

Embrace The Mob!

by David Brooks

As long as that mob is white, christian, and votes Republican, then the must be respected. So vote monorail. And yes, some may criticize me for only being able to extract from science and global events what I want to see--but what is the point of philosophy if it doesn't prove what you like? Please, then you're doing science and relying on immoral empiricism, things which might not square with my pre-existing values. And I've made a pretty good career out of saying the same thing over and over, so why change now? { background-color:blue; }

OPINION

Yes, I'm Smug, Stupid and Bald, But I'm On TV And You're Not

by David Brooks

That's right, I can go on and on about how reasonable and pragmatic President Obama is, but as usual, since I'm a shameless smug bastard compensating for being a bald sexless troll, I'll just do a 180 at the last minute and embrace the angry mob. After all, the American people are not always right, but their basic sense of equilibrium is worthy of the profoundest respect. After all, didn't Dr. Frankenstein respect the mob? No--and look what happened to him.

Of course, by Americans I mean Real Americans, by which of course I mean old white people who descended from those idealists who were able to grab the most from the stupid freedom-hating aborigines who refused to love democracy or invent machine-guns. It is these wondrous White Americans, the heirs of The Greatest Generation, who seldom knew want or need or racial discrimination--it is these wondrous folk who truly understand Freedom. Because if you've never experienced oppression, surely you then must know what freedom means. That is why the Queen knows more about Freedom than anyone.

And it is precisely this lack of experience with hardship and oppression that has led them to see that they not only do not have to do anything for anyone else--in fact, they should not do anything for anything else. Except to earn as much money as possible. So let's embrace this angry pitch-forked mob, this most unreasonable gathering of un-deprived heroes, this coddled lot who have banded together to bravely fight for their Medicare and Social Security benefits, who want their wars without paying for them, who want clean food and water without the slightest sacrifice, who want a civil society without paying for schools or hospitals or public health of any kind, who haven't any sight of a common good beyond their monthly pensions or benefits or any change in their tax return: These brave many who together stood up and screamed, "Me!", this Spoiled Generation. For they are the past but they vote a hell of lot.

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Martin Luther King Day: What It Means To Me.

Anyway, it's reverse racism. Really, the guy never did anything except walk around, and then call it a "march". I march for freedom every day, please. Look, now I'm going to march around my bedroom. For freedom.

Okay? { background-color:blue; }

RELIGION NEWS

Hey Y'all, Let's Talk About Whether Jesus Will Forgive Tiger Woods!

 

  by Self-Righteous Little Fart

Should Fox News Broadcaster Brit Hume be telling us which religion would be best for Tiger Woods? Of course, he should—why do you thing Fair & Balanced News was invented? To build schools for the children of hell-bound heathens?  Still, we are plagued with the misfortune of religious freedom in this country, all because of some bleeding-heart commie Quakers no doubt, but that’s no longer the issue.  There is everyone who reads the New Testament, and there’s Every One Else.  Even Mexicans read it. (It’s true—they even built churches.  Saw them on vacation once—big pyramid things, I think they’re called pyramids.)

Okay, we all have to admit one thing—and so do they: Jesus will forgive you. He will forgive you anyway, anytime, anywhere, any sin, any orifice. We all know that because we've been told that by other people. And if they believe it, should not we believe it as well? Take a gander at Brit Hume--one look at him and you know that this guy is running on nothing but spite--just an aging ball of bitter that can suck the joy out of any life-form. But don't you think Jesus will forgive him? Can I get a hell yeah?

Of course I can.

Therefore, it follows logically, since I know that I will be forgiven, and that Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Zoroastrianists and college professors will not forgiven, and because I read a book about Buddhism once or sat through a documentary about it (nothing on HBO that night probably), I therefore have no need to learn what Buddhism means or does not mean to its 200-500 million adherents.  Becau se I already know the facts, I do have to learn the facts. Because I was told the facts by other people who are very reliable sources (mom and dad).  And therefore, I can say with certainty that I have no problem with advocating Christianity in our sadly far-too-liberal-democracy which does not want to be reminded constantly of how we are all wretched sinners, utterly vile and worthless in His Eyes of He Whom Created Us For Some Damn Reason Maybe Because He Loves Us So Much,, and that is why we must be redeemed by the Redeemer.  Oh, you can redeem your coupons till kingdom come, but only He can your redeem your soul. 

Finally (deep breath): Just because I’m a sinner does not mean I cannot be self-righteous little fart of a man.  Quite the contrary.  By judging everyone else, I’m trying to do God’s work, which is make everyone aware of what horrible wretches, a sickening, revolting, repulsive God-fart.  You only have to read my essays to see that.  And if that does not terrify you to turn towards Jesus—nothing will.

Your Pal In Christ,
Ross Douthat

 

Technorati Tags: Ross Douthat,Jesus,Brit Hume,Hell

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OPINION

Ah, Mr. Bond, Delighted To Meet You Once More—Before You Die

by Dr. Killie McKill

It will indeed be a pleasure to watch you die. And now I will kill you in an unnecessarily complicated way which will allow me to give the audience some much needed exposition, as well as giving me a chance to give Alan Rickman a run for his money.  Now simply let me fiddle with these dials, knobs, and other gizmos as I manipulate this machine that I have fiendishly devised to vivisect, castrate, disembowel, decapitate, crush, squeeze, plastic-wrap and freeze dry its victims. In the meantime, please take the opportunity to leer at my sexy assistant with whom you earlier doubtless shared a degrading yet pleasureable experience of lust and who is for some reason wearing a tantalizing low-cut lab coat. Betcha' you didn't even know they made those things did you? Well, I had them specially ordered from Hong Kong. Ah, Hong Kong, lively city--a pity everyone living there will now be forced to eat only American food--devilish, isn't it? All those fatties might just sink the damn island--but no matter. You and your colleague from the Outer Mongolian Plateau Security Services will be, hmmm, how shall I say, taken care of yes. Ah yes, very well cared for. That's correct, I know all about your little friend Miss Sarangerel Erdenetungalag Tsetsegmaa Smith-Jones. And of course all about your degrading experiences with her while you promised her your undying love--but neglecting to mention the active gonorhhea you recieved in Hanoi last summer, hmmmm? Yes, in fact she thought I was working for her, but she was really working for me--mostly filing and light typing, a little time at the reception desk and some overtime assassination. This machine is really taking quite a long time to warm up, and I have a very important phone call from Verizon, and I cannot pass up this opportunity to save on my long-distance calls. So I bid you adieu, Mr. Bond. I fear we shall not, ha ha, meet again? "What's that? $50 dollars a month less on my calls to North Korea? That would be marvelous...."

The.......................End?

Technorati Tags: James Bond

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Stop talking to me, dog!

I told you, I'm not killing anyone when Family Guy is on! I don't care if it's a repeat, for your information. { background-color:blue; }

Trauma Center Discrimination Outrage!

That's right, they refused to serve me when I reported a case of self-molestation! Outrage! { background-color:blue; }

Michael Jackson Tribute Concert: American Salutes A Rapist.

by Rapie McRape

Wow, I am thinking, about freakin' time. How many times does a rapist die, and everyone gets together and says to themselves, remember where we were when that rapist sang that song? Too long, in this observer's humble opinion. So let's all hold hands and drop in the ruffies, America, because it's time to say, "We Are The Rape."

Peace out,
Rapie { background-color:blue; }

Practicing Celibacy by St. Augustine

Yo yo yo yo kids, St. Augustine rappin' at mah dogs here. Now this be da straight up truth, and when I say 'truth', I mean, TRUTH with all capital letters and shit. Celibacy is the shit. Did you hear that? Do I need to say it again? I'll say it again in case you weren't payin attention da first go round. This be the 411: Celibacy. Is. The. Shit. Now you shorties iz all like "A. Dog, wat you be tellin' me? Nuttin' better dan pumpin' my girlz like the Taliban on a literate woman." Well, yes, it feels good now. Believe, me I made many, many mistakes when I was a youngin', gamblin', whorin', drinkin hard shit' and gettin' so fucked up and crazy I was like a rabid dog howlin' at da moon, just kicking it to the fucking max, bitches! But was I sorry for enjoying life so much? Yes, because I realized that those experiences are so empty and joyless compared to the wonder and power of churchin' up yo' ass every Sunday and praying all da time an' shit. Ya feel me brother? So whatever you do in your life, whatever choices you make, do not make the mistake of believing that pleasure and enjoyment are things you should be doing. I did them, for years really, and boy did how I regret it. I had to spend years of prostrating myself before The Lord, telling him how I was his bitch 'n' all. That's what the the world is about: Bein' Da Lord's bitch! Not making others your bitch! Dat wrong! Just plain wrong! So for God's sake do not enjoy life or you might end up wondering why you did.

Yours in Christ,
St. Augustine { background-color:blue; }

Editorial: More BBC filth.

Here's a recent BBC headline: Australia probes navy 'sex game'. Sickening. What the hell is wrong with you people? This is exactly why England is a shadow of itself--it went the way of Rome. Just look at the Queen! See what frolicking did to her!

LET FREEDOM RING!!!

Gunz2Luv out. One to beam up, Mr. Heston. { background-color:blue; }

Fourth of July Editorial: The Fight Against British Oppression Continues!

Technorati Tags: Obama,Hitler,Secret Nazi,Secret Jew,Secret Muslim,Tits

By Gunz2Luv

Fellow patriots, let's take a moment to remember on the this joyous day of our independence that the struggle against British Oppression continues to this very day. For example, this recent example from New Zealand:

Wheelchair-Bound Gunman Killed By Cops
12:00pm UK, Monday June 29, 2009
Police killed muscular dystrophy patient Shayne Sime in his Burnside home in a suburb of Christchurch on New Zealand's South Island on Sunday night....police were called after neighbours heard a volley of shots being fired from a shotgun and high-powered rifle....Sime, who was believed to have been drinking and had earlier contacted family members saying he was suicidal....According to the Christchurch Press newspaper, the 42-year-old was amember of a gun club which made its own ammunition.

How sad...In our proud nation, he would have been considered to be a well-regulated militia. Let us salute this enemy of oppression! President Obama, I hereby informally request that you formally request Congress to make this man an honorary American citizen, that he may in death have the rights he was denied in life: The right to self-defense and a really kick-ass light beer delivered to your corner grocery in a convenient, recyclable aluminum can. Will you stand with us (and by "us" I mean me and my cats), Mr. President? Or will you side with the British once more, as when I informally requested you last year to launch a surprise first nuclear attack against the U.K. in order to finally free the freedom-lovers of Jamaica from the pernicious influence of the Queen and too much rum?

Drinking and firing at random is protected in the good ole' US of A by the Second andFirst Amendments. But not for the British, who remain afraid in their homes and their gun clubs, while We Americans are able to celebrate our freedom and patriotism with liberal quantities of both home-made ammo and home-made ethanol.

It's the American Way. It's Our Way. It's the Freedom Way.

Live Free, Shoot First, And Prosper.

Gunz2Luv out.

LET FREEDOM RING! LET THE BELLS CHIME! WITH BULLETS! { background-color:blue; }

Gunz2Luv: He Deserves Every Cent!

Wayne LaPierre deserves every cent he makes (about 1 trillion of them)! Every year is he out there, protecting the 2nd Amendment rights of American heroes such Chai Vang, who defended his FREEDOM in Wisonsin in 2005; it is precisely the racist Dumbocrats that want to take away the ability of ethnic freedom fighters such as Mr. Vang. Without an assault rifle, we can only shudder at how easily the right of minority ethnic groups could be impinged upon. { background-color:blue; }

Guest Columnist Gunz2Luv: Socialism is attempting to destroy us and take our guns.

Socialism is attempting to destroy us and take our guns.
Obama's attempts to perpetuate the economic downturn of our economy is the first step in implementing a Muslim agenda! By taking over our banks and eliminating interest rates, they hope to create a Muslim banking system. This will shortly be followed by revoking the 2nd Amendment and disarming all Christians in the nation. { background-color:blue; }