Tiger Woods And Me, Or: To Steal An Onion (who am I kidding, it's all stolen)

Where are all of these loose women trying to make my stray from the path of righteousness? I don't mean to complain, but without my morality being tested by the song of wicked lustful sirens (please please please), how will I'm capable of resisting temtation? I could end up like Tiger Woods, wealthy and famous and god knows what all.

Please don't let me end up like the Woodman, God. Please.



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Tiger Woods' Cock Has Changed Everything.

Let's face it: Tiger Woods' cock has changed everything.  Just consider this nugget of wisdom from the NY Times: "This is a moral litmus test. In fact, it’s a test for all of America — a test of where our moral consciousness is these days."

Before The Cock, we lived in a world that seemed safe; a world where mothers loved their children, where complete imbeciles can become wealthy men if they can hit a ball with a stick of wood, a world where there was life and light and hopes and dreams...and then It came. And now, after The Cock, it has all fallen apart. We live in a world where love is just a fleeting illusion, where women will have wanton sex with wealthy famous men, where anyone with power and money can get laid pretty damn easily. In short, a world of lies, deceit and deception, where we cannot trust famous people we have never met and with whom our only interaction is writing a letter to their agent or subscribing to their Twitter feed or if we're very lucky having our picture taken with them at a convention of fanboys. Or maybe just a cheap sleazy act of shame and degradation in an overpriced hotel after the concert/game/autograph-convention.  This is the world in which we live, and there is no going back...ever...ever...ever....goodbye mother....goodbye love and hope and dreams....And it was The Cock that did it.




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Worst April Fools' Quip Ever.

Tiger Woods' Moral Hazard
"Be honest. This is a moral litmus test. In fact, it’s a test for all of America — a test of where our moral consciousness is these days."

Very bizarre, but apparently the author was serious, as it was posted on March 30 of this year.

Tiger’s Moral Hazard - Opinionator Blog - NYTimes.com: "When Tiger Woods tees up his Nike golf ball at the first hole of the Masters next week, will you be wishing him well? Or will you hope he yanks his drive into the pines and spends four days trudging toward the searing defeat that, in your view, he richly deserves? Be honest. This is a moral litmus test. In fact, it’s a test for all of America — a test of where our moral consciousness is these days."
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Tiger Woods Cock Update

Trousers Inhabited By Dangerous Organ

Sadly, there is now new news regarding this reclusive male sexual organ in spite of 24 hour surveillance by the media. Nor has it been willing to speak publicly. What does it want? Where will it go next? What are its demands? Are we safe from it?

There are simply too many unknowns for us at the present time. We must remain vigilant and alert until we have a full explanation by the penis, and until that time, we can only hope and pray that the media shall keep us safe by maintaining a constant watch over Tiger Wood's $2000 trousers. That zipper could come down anytime, America! Stay safe! And keep watching the skies! (And the trousers!)

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A Brief History Of Cocks.

In medieval times, the word "cock" denoted a male chicken, although it was generally written as "cockye" or "cyucke". Many centuries passed. Finally, the cock was discovered by some anonymous investigator--possibly Charles Darwin, though others maintain it was Charles Dickens or perhaps Queen Victoria. However, as this discovery was never reported, it failed to propagate, and as such the knowledge was lost for many more decades. Then, a breakthrough: Errol Flynn re-discovers the cock (specifically his own). He puts it in innumerable places as well. By 1960, many, many more of these 'cocks' had been discovered, generally by eccentric researchers working with their own money and resources. An elite or aristocracy, one might say, was able to uncover new lines of investigation. The most notable of these early gentlemen investigators is without a doubt John F. Kennedy, who is now known today for being tireless and relentless in his pursuit of more places to put his cock.
However, it was not until President Bill Clinton that the existence of the cock, as such, became public knowledge. And now, today, we see cocks are everywhere, and recognize their place in history as well, from man's man Socrates to William Jennings Bryan and Christopher Columbus, from Roman Polanski to Tiger Woods, we now now that cocks have been influential throughout the ascent (giggity) of man. So it is today that the cock can rest in peace, knowing that at long last, it has attained the recognition it so richly deserves.
For more reading on cocks, please visit your local public library, or go to PBS.com, or just turn on the TV anytime of day or night on any cable news channel.
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An Open Letter To NPR

Dear National Public Radio Weekend Edition: First of all, let me thank you for the in-depth analysis of Tiger Woods' public humiliation*. That was powerful stuff and I really learned a lot of stuff. Apparently, this crazy Tiger Woods fellow seems to think he has some god-given right to privacy. And some people at NPR think this stuff is like really, really important, so important it can take 5-10% of the airtime on a given program. So now I know it's important. I tried to tell you this before, but apparently I used a bad word and my letter was never sent to you, because a computer somewhere says that the word "cock" might be read by someone at NPR, and what if "cock" and "Tiger Woods" were used in the same paragraph? For example: The image of a black man's penis could involuntarily manifest itself in the mind Steve Innskeep, or a female intern, and then someone's head might explode. So thank you for taking the time away from these stupid wars and stupid recessions and stupid corrupt and incompetent elected officials in order to justify our lurid, prurient fascination with the genitalia of the rich and famous. So thank you so very, very much. Yours Truly, DRT *Weekend Edition Saturday, 20-FEB-2010 { background-color:blue; }

Congress Subpeonas Tiger Woods' Cock.

"What did you know and when did you know it? Remember, you are oath, sir."





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We Must Attach A Camera To Tiger Woods' Cock, America.

Our Great Nation is in a crisis: We do not know enough about Tiger Woods' cock. Where has it been? What has it done? Why did it do what it did? And just as importantly: How?

Until America has the answers to these questions, we cannot rest, we cannot relax, we cannot regurgitate, we cannot perform any other activities which begin with the letter 'r'.

Imagine if we had simply ignored Watergate? Nixon would never have been re-elected. Therefore we must struggle on, turning over evey dark stone and revealing the horrid putridness beneath it to the cleansing light above. And the best way to do this is to put a camera on the cock.

(Preferably a streaming web cam, so the entire world can see exactly where a black man's cock is at all times. No, that's not gay at all, it's perfectly reasonable and it's justice. How will our white women be safe from black cocks otherwise?)


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