Musings...

Ever get the feeling that the phrase "rammed down our throats" has been rammed down our collective throat? { background-color:blue; }

MUSINGS: Father's Day And Crap

I'm really glad I did accidentally become my own father while using the time machine.  Although it could explain quite a bit.
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Musings...

Sometimes I like to lie back in a grassy field and stare at the clouds and ponder, Could Moses could shoot 80's laser beams from his fingers to deal with recalcitrant polythesists? { background-color:blue; }

Did You Know Bad Stuff Happened In Iraq?

by super special awesome guest columnist David Brooks

It's true! Bad stuff happend there! I swear to god, it's really amazing. I mean, here it is, 2010, and all this bad stuff was happening, and oh my goodness, it was quite a mess! So my column today will tell you what went wrong. Why? Because the readers of the New York Times hibernate for years at a time, so they tend to be very uninformed.  Which is why I need to tell them this very important and philosophy-based information.

So pull up a chair, or sit on the floor if you wish, as wise old Uncle David Brooks (that's me!) tells you about how liberal elitism almost caused us to lose the war to free Iraq that no one living in Iraq really seemed to want.  It's really quite a fascinating tale, but since my elitist readers are a rather simple folk, let me tell it as though I'm talking to a load of primary school children.  You see the big bad liberal elitists made the Army do a lot of stupid things.  So there was this thing called the "in-sur-gen-cy" (say it again, fast this time, "insurgency").  And it was bad.  And a lot of people got hurt real bad.  But the liberal elitism of the Army would not allow people to fight the insurgency. Finally Soldier Petraeus turned up and fought the insurgency. Mostly by giving them a lot of money not to kill anyone.  It's kind of like if you gave candy to someone for a favor, right? Right.  So just imagine that these bad Iraqis were suddenly given lots and lots of candy, and then they became good Iraqis.  And now everyone was happy.

But why did so many people have to get hurt so bad?  Well, it was liberal elitism--the kind that folks learn in colleges and then get real uppity.  But not the decent real American kind of folks we see at the American Enterprise Institute.  No, the kind of snooty professors who think the government is always right and never want to change anything--folks like Angela Davis or Noam Chomsky.  If it wasn't for them, by gum, lots of people could have been saved.  In business schools, like the Harvard MBA program that Bush attended, it's all about learning to adjust to new situations. That's why Bush could save so many people during the Katrina storm, and that's why it only took him a failed election in 2006--four years after the invasion--to embrace the new counter-insurgency doctrine.

Well kids, Uncle David is going to take a rest now and dream about the job opportunities that will open up for him when George F. Will kicks it.  I swear that fucker is never going to die.

(Pictured Below: Examples of Liberal Elitists Who Brainwash Youth, Love Government, And Hate Change)

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Sandra Bullock's Wrong, Wrong, Oh So Wrong Choice

By Super Special Guest Columnist David Brooks

Hey folks, your pal Brooksie is back and rapping at ya', and ready to lay some hard-core solid truth on your whack asses! First of all, let's talk about some really important stuff--Sandra Bullock.

Poor girl.  She chose the liberal-elitist way, the easy road of career, fame and riches, deluding herself that this was a worthwhile goal--and now turns out she's getting divorced! Wow! How sad that a woman turns away from the boundless joys of hearth and kitchen.  

She could have met the right man, a good Christian fellow, nice conservative guy who always wears a suit to work and philosphizes for money in some ill-gotten liberal-media-Semitic-godless newspaper like the NY Times (hmmm, get my point, Sandy dear?).  But instead she wanted glamour and the limelight, seduced by the cheering crowds....

Oh, Sandy, dear, I, er, ahem, someone very much like me,  could have shown you such a better way, where you would be baking muffins and icing cakes and living a simple, humble yet-so-fulfilling life while I live the humble, simple life of a prominent newspaper columnist with no ambition of any kind but to whom the duty has fallen to spread the message of conservatism to the fallen (i.e., the people who read the NY Times), appearing on television and the radio nationwide to tell Americans everywhere what's wrong with the Leftist-Liberal-Jewish (er, non-Christian)-Elite that tell humble, powerless folks like me, you and Exxon how to live our lives.  

So now you know what I know, Sandy--writing books and columns and showing up on NPR or CNN to spout off like an idiot and tell all Americans what they don't know about themselves but need to learn from me (real Americans, that is; not the fakie Americans in Los Angeles or New York)--that's no life for anyone.  Oh, if only this woeful duty had not befallen me, I could once again be free to do as I wished, breathe the free air as I once did when I was a simple prospector for gold or cowboy or fur trapper or whatever the fuck it was I used to do.  So call me, Sandy--my email is always open.  

david-brooks
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Musings...

The Cost Of Things by Rapie McRape

I killed a man for his Mickey Mouse poster collection. Not sure if it was really worth it though. His kids are still mad at me too.  Perhaps I'm saying, think before you act. Or maybe just don't think. Whichever seems to work for you. { background-color:blue; }

Musings...

I guess you can only stomp a joke to death for so long, and then you start to feel hollow and empty inside. It's like when you thought burning that Vietnamese village would be *fun*, but afterwards you just feel icky.

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