Catholics Pray For Alternative

Pope Benedict In Super-Gay Regalia

In the light of continuing worldwide revelations--of pederasty and subsequent cover-ups by the Catholic hierarchy--many Catholics hoped for some sort of alternative.  Mused on anonymous source: "If only there were some sort of other religion we could go to and not be Catholic but still like pray and sing hymns and give money to the poor and whatnot.  But whom has ever heard of such a thing? In the meantime, we shall merely have to keep hoping that something comes up."





{ background-color:blue; }

Only God Can Abort A Baby!

Lo! Look ye up and see! His reasons for aborting babies are mysterious, unknowable, yet marvelous to behold.  We can only stand in awe of his all-knowing-decision-making whatnot.

Next Week: Why God Loves Malaria.







Tag:Abortion
Tag:God
Tag:Can't Mind My Own Business { background-color:blue; }

RELIGION NEWS

Hey Y'all, Let's Talk About Whether Jesus Will Forgive Tiger Woods!

 

  by Self-Righteous Little Fart

Should Fox News Broadcaster Brit Hume be telling us which religion would be best for Tiger Woods? Of course, he should—why do you thing Fair & Balanced News was invented? To build schools for the children of hell-bound heathens?  Still, we are plagued with the misfortune of religious freedom in this country, all because of some bleeding-heart commie Quakers no doubt, but that’s no longer the issue.  There is everyone who reads the New Testament, and there’s Every One Else.  Even Mexicans read it. (It’s true—they even built churches.  Saw them on vacation once—big pyramid things, I think they’re called pyramids.)

Okay, we all have to admit one thing—and so do they: Jesus will forgive you. He will forgive you anyway, anytime, anywhere, any sin, any orifice. We all know that because we've been told that by other people. And if they believe it, should not we believe it as well? Take a gander at Brit Hume--one look at him and you know that this guy is running on nothing but spite--just an aging ball of bitter that can suck the joy out of any life-form. But don't you think Jesus will forgive him? Can I get a hell yeah?

Of course I can.

Therefore, it follows logically, since I know that I will be forgiven, and that Buddhists, Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Zoroastrianists and college professors will not forgiven, and because I read a book about Buddhism once or sat through a documentary about it (nothing on HBO that night probably), I therefore have no need to learn what Buddhism means or does not mean to its 200-500 million adherents.  Becau se I already know the facts, I do have to learn the facts. Because I was told the facts by other people who are very reliable sources (mom and dad).  And therefore, I can say with certainty that I have no problem with advocating Christianity in our sadly far-too-liberal-democracy which does not want to be reminded constantly of how we are all wretched sinners, utterly vile and worthless in His Eyes of He Whom Created Us For Some Damn Reason Maybe Because He Loves Us So Much,, and that is why we must be redeemed by the Redeemer.  Oh, you can redeem your coupons till kingdom come, but only He can your redeem your soul. 

Finally (deep breath): Just because I’m a sinner does not mean I cannot be self-righteous little fart of a man.  Quite the contrary.  By judging everyone else, I’m trying to do God’s work, which is make everyone aware of what horrible wretches, a sickening, revolting, repulsive God-fart.  You only have to read my essays to see that.  And if that does not terrify you to turn towards Jesus—nothing will.

Your Pal In Christ,
Ross Douthat

 

Technorati Tags: Ross Douthat,Jesus,Brit Hume,Hell

{ background-color:blue; }

Car Bomb Liberates 41 Souls.

{ background-color:blue; }

Practicing Celibacy by St. Augustine

Yo yo yo yo kids, St. Augustine rappin' at mah dogs here. Now this be da straight up truth, and when I say 'truth', I mean, TRUTH with all capital letters and shit. Celibacy is the shit. Did you hear that? Do I need to say it again? I'll say it again in case you weren't payin attention da first go round. This be the 411: Celibacy. Is. The. Shit. Now you shorties iz all like "A. Dog, wat you be tellin' me? Nuttin' better dan pumpin' my girlz like the Taliban on a literate woman." Well, yes, it feels good now. Believe, me I made many, many mistakes when I was a youngin', gamblin', whorin', drinkin hard shit' and gettin' so fucked up and crazy I was like a rabid dog howlin' at da moon, just kicking it to the fucking max, bitches! But was I sorry for enjoying life so much? Yes, because I realized that those experiences are so empty and joyless compared to the wonder and power of churchin' up yo' ass every Sunday and praying all da time an' shit. Ya feel me brother? So whatever you do in your life, whatever choices you make, do not make the mistake of believing that pleasure and enjoyment are things you should be doing. I did them, for years really, and boy did how I regret it. I had to spend years of prostrating myself before The Lord, telling him how I was his bitch 'n' all. That's what the the world is about: Bein' Da Lord's bitch! Not making others your bitch! Dat wrong! Just plain wrong! So for God's sake do not enjoy life or you might end up wondering why you did.

Yours in Christ,
St. Augustine { background-color:blue; }

Jesus & Muhammed Announce Plans To Gay Wed in Iowa Synagogue.

In news that rocked the religious institutions and their adherents world-wide, The Christ Almighty, Savior of Heaven and Earth, and Muhammed, The Prophet Who Spoke To The Angel Gabriel, got the hell gay-married out of them. The wedding was officiated by Moses, He Who Led The Chosen People Out Of Bondage, and was attended by many noted individuals in the spirit community, although in spirit everyone was there.
In comments to reporters, The Annointed One stated that he was very happy that he and his long-time companion could now legally live together and raise a family "somewhere in the Pacific Northwest." He added that he was extremely relieved "that now he will be covered by my health care plan." Protesters worldwide began gnashing their traditional wailing, gnashing of the teeth, pulling of the hair, and renting of the garments. Protesters attempting to converge upon the event, many holding pictures of aborted fetuses, were turned to pillars of salt which slowly but surely blew away in a strong Spring breeze, a harsh reminder of the transitory nature of human existence. Miraculously, no innocent bystanders were injured, although several protesters failed to escape when they looked back. When queried, "What about descriptions of homosexuality as an abomination in the eyes of God?", Muhammed responded, "Well, let's just say you can't believe everything you read. I mean, sometimes, you're angry at someone," he said, coquettishly glancing and laughing at Our Lord & Savior. "I mean, sometimes you just say nasty things and lash out because you're angry, you're angry at yourself, you're angry because society won't let you be who you really are and you're too afraid to admit it, even to yourself." Added Jesus, "But now with this recent court decision, we can be who we really are--two men deeply and love and ready to have kids, the house with the picket fence, the whole kit'n'kaboodle." { background-color:blue; }